I am really, truly, and madly in love with my life. The people, the possibilities, the love. Sure, there’s hurt and frustration, but without it I wouldn’t be able to recognize the beauty. After all, can you truly enjoy success and accomplishment without first experiencing disappointment? It’s the struggles, the setbacks, the heartbreaks that make my life so very wonderful.
In the past year and a half, we’ve experienced miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy that came close to destroying me. But this morning, still fuzzy with sleep, my four year old crawled into bed with me, wrapped his arms around my neck, kissed my cheek and said “I love you, my mommy.” Those words, that moment… Endearing and wonderful alone, but after all of the hurt and disappointment in the reproductive department so recently… That moment was everything. Joyful, strengthening, and a reminder that, while my plans were busy falling apart, this small innocent child was loving me everyday without judgment. While I was hating my body for its failure to conceive and carry a fetus, he saw his mommy. When I was loathing the lumpy, squishy belly that was stretching out my clothes instead of the cute little baby bump that was no longer to be, he saw perfection . I wish I could have seen this sooner. I wish I could have made it past the bitterness and devastation long enough to see myself through my son’s eyes. It has made all of the difference.